blogging the pain away

its summer now. halfway through it even, and i still cant get you off in my mind. this rambling would sound really mushy, i know, but for now, just pls, let me be. i know it wouldnt change anything but yea, let me be.

you know that kind of saying that states "the one you wasnt able to have is the one which is the hardest to let go"? i guess its plain truth. though im kind of unsure about it since you know i havent been in a relationship in my sixteen years of existence, thank you very much for reminding me that. that's what i thought so considering you had this full force impact that could sweep my feet away and you're the one who could break and make my day.

sounds like crap. for now im gonna shrug my humility off my prideful shoulders. for now i wanna feel careless and free. just for now.

i know ive been lying when i told myself i wasnt expecting you to think of me even just for a second. i know i wish that even a bit you'd return me the favor. i wanna say im not expecting anymore but i cant say that again. cause i know a bit of me, maybe 0.1% of me is still expecting. that's the main reason why im writing this. cause maybe, just maybe, if im able to talk it up and let it pour, it'll fade away. chances are thin but lets give it a shot anyway. just a wishful thinking.

how was i able to come up with this? how could i not? you stay on my mind every millisecond. the real question is, how did i find the courage to spill it?

i woke up this morning with nothing but hurt lurking in my hypothalamus. i had a dream last night. it was the most usual of 'em all; weird weird series of events but only one thing stuck on my memory when i fluttered my eyes open. it was when i enter a movie room (i dont know why i even got there) and then the first thing that registered into my mind was that you were. with her, happily playing her hair, twirling it on her fingers in a manner that i never thought you'd be able to execute infront of the public. i know you wouldnt, but you did. i know you. or atleast i thought i do, taking the fact that i've seen you grow as a friend. back with my dream, i knew my eyes widened. even wider than the fact that my eyeballs are already wide. and you know what i did? the usual. i ignored everything, i walked off and moved into a row of empty seats trying to imaginably sulk in silence. it felt real and my actions felt typical. i always do that. mourn in my head whenever i feel this feeling of awkwardness, and stay silent for a while, trying to pull on my "okay mask" on. and your reaction when i saw both of your figures? you both just stared at me while you continue twirling on her hair, innocently sitting from her with legit distance. and in her eyes i see satisfaction with mixture of curiosity for my next move. i never showed i lose ofcourse. though i know im not on the winning team, i somehow do basic math and pull everything like nothing happened. again, so typical. thats what i always do. that when people think im gonna put a fight in it, i never would. i think it'll be just a form of entertainment for them. and im no clown to put some fun. i just strike when i feel like it. when everything seems unexpected, that's when i hit it.

you know what's the most unusual of it all? in my dream i mean? i didnt consider it as a nightmare though the hurt was there when i woke from my sleep. though i know i have no right to feel it. cause you see, in everybody's eyes, or in her eyes, or even in mine, i never was the first. she was. though you two never claimed each other i knew you had something for her. and i know she has this major big something for you too, until now. she never hid it. she'd do anything to have you, while im here sitting, waiting for the mixed signals. ofcourse there had been some. i know that somehow i havent been alone with what im feeling. unless ive been hallucinating and misinterpreting your actions all along. tell me. cause i fear i am capable of doing both. i know my friends kept telling me she had no right of claiming you, but, do i? i couldnt find myself worthy of it also. the same reason why im not pushing it. but you know what? i'll tell you a little secret. i almost felt certain about it. felt very certain like a baseball player hitting home run. that prom night when you asked me to dance with you, though i know i am much boring to be with, you still did, and i saw her staggering eyes on me, stabbing me like knife. id be an impostor if id say i didnt enjoy that moment. oh yes i did. very much enjoyed it that fear crept up on me and made me realize i wasnt worthy of it at all. that she was. i never did anything for you. she did. and yet somehow here i am, admitting i felt pain. i know. such a shame i never went what she'd been through. just to be able to have you. or were you just using me for her to get jealous? or was it because my actions are obvious and you feel mercy for me? i would never know.

but nevertheless, on the outside i portrayed i won. but inside, i know i didnt. im not into games like this. i suck at playing. that's why i fell. though that's whats been what i am doing to be around you sometimes. i try to play. desperate huh? but im playing cool--you dont know how much im depriving myself just to play cool. to act like i dont wanna chase you. just cause of the fact that i dont wanna be like her. that im not gonna chase off some boy because i felt like it. that's what im trying to prove myself. but i know im failing. you're the only one who isnt.

hey stop feeling so proud, you're not the only guy who made me feel this way, there had been someone in my past, though i considered him just a friend the moment my feelings for you popped out of street nowhere. i fell for him twice. the old one i mean. he's stupid. but he understood. you have brains, you're just playing dumb to not clarify it. yea, the other guy, we're currently friends. though i catch moments that i feel like im having fun with him, but being flirty's his nature. i never knew of what he's capable of. capable of making you fall without any warning of diving off the cliff. but i know he's into another. he tells me so. and i told him too, about you. we just laugh it off every single time. that's all we can do. wait. or that's what i do. he's a guy, he makes his move towards some girl. that's his advantage, he can claim. i cannot. im a girl. and you're being a twat.

but then again i thank you for being a twat. cause i dont know how to take what you shouldve said anyway. or what i thought you should say. after it, what then? dont get me wrong. i like like like you. im not pushing you off, but what? (now this is the part of me that assumes you feel something for yours truly)

let's go on to the dominant part of the pie graph, the part where you dont feel the same.

you know a friend called. we were supposed to see you one last time this summer. in a surprsing manner. but opportunity took itself away. the only thing i have is serendipity, to accept what i couldnt change. and i know this will never change. not until you have the guts to tell me whether you duplicate my feelings or not.

seriously, im trying to forget you, but you being an ignorant hoe who doesnt seem to read my typhoon-like mind, keeps on unexpectedly popping on my cellphone screen. but i dont expect you to get what i think either. and with that, i couldnt not reply. so much for playing it cool. but really, this time, im. trying. to. forget. you; to change what i feel. im trying.

unless you say something.

so speak.




-geianne