square one

i hate the feeling i get whenever i leave home.
what's worse about it is being trapped in my small apartment room again, all alone together with my laptop and internet connection.
im trying to look out things in a brighter shade, really. but i cant also deny this dreadfulness that stirs in me. i try to shoo it away but it just just keeps on coming back. especially when i fix my closet again after my long vacation from my little neverland. its like i breath it in and i exhale it out through the liquid substances forming around my eyes.

earlier this morning, when i was in the cab on my ride to the apartment, i passed by the usual streets and inside my head, a question materialized, "am i really back in this big city again?". cause its still felt surreal. yesterday morning i was still reading a novel in my own room back in our humble house. i even got yelled by my mother for not packing up. and as much as i hate being yelled, id be even happy to hear it right now if it means coming back home and seeing my family and friends once again.

i dont like the sentences im constructing in this post. they all sound so lonely. but then again, ive got no one to talk to. actually, i am trying to do multi tasking to keep these things away from my mind. im typing this entry while droplets of water are running down my face. and im also munching down the sandwich ive made yesterday afternoon in which i havent munched in the ship.  im hungry and the food is quite tasty but my mouth feels like not into processing them.

ive switched my phone off. i dont want mom calling me right now. i dont want to hear anything about home for the next 24 hours or so, until i would overcome this again. i might choke and cry on the line. and i dont want people to see me as the emotional kind.

earlier this morning when i unpacked my things, i wasnt sure why i muttered "sorry" out loud for them. maybe i dont want them being dragged here with my sadness. it was always happy back home, though my family often fights, and they say things that i might not want to discuss. but nevertheless, it was... home. in where my things are supposed to be.

anyway, i wonder what they're doing right now...


-geianne