here we go again

2-3 months ago i was 90% positive ive kicked the asshole out of my life. now im wondering how he was able to manage to let the the 10% dominate again without breaking a sweat.

around september and october last year, i thought it was all good. i wasnt able to see him during the semestral and break and though i was yearning to, i wasnt that desperate anymore (okey so maybe i was) but damn did it feel good to not catch a glimpse of him and survived! around those times i was able to mutter to myself something like 'this is it. so long sucker, im moving on!'. i even spilled about my new crushes here and was happy to find myself not hooked with watching the green online sign with his name on the side on facebook anymore. but guess what? all of it came tumbling back down during december when i arrived at danette's and was giddy to see my buds and he was there sitting and though my face was showing my sunniest grin, inside my head all i could ever think was "oh to the no."

and then came the events where we had to act cool and decent around each other like nothing happened (well that's because nothing really happened and maybe i was assuming things and im sure he's not dumb to not see my assumptions but then he kept talking and being friendly to me so screw my situation cause i dont know what to call everything of it). then there are parts where i eye him though i try to really not to, and i dont really know if he looks at me too or not but i know he could feel my gaze and its just awkward. and he opens up talks like those we had before, but with enough caution, but still, it has this tone of what he used to use to me before and i realized he still had a very huge impact on me then im back to square to one.

and im frustrated. and in this post it may seem like im blaming him but really, all there is to blame is myself. and im pissed. and the worst part? its that i doubt myself sometimes. cause i know i could freakin do better of forgetting him if im really focused. if i really want to. now here come's the part of which i dont. and this is really scaring me because its making me feel like im a fool for not making up my mind and for making the same trouble for myself over and over. somehow its more frightening of the memory of me not being able to get the right spelling for the word "mother" even though the teacher had let me write it for more than ten times already. the good thing about it was that the incident happened when i was still five. i had a very good reason back then, considering my age. but now, getting myself tangled for almost the same trouble is making me doubt my own capacity.

and what's even worse than worst is that i cant help this stupidity either. so tonight when i saw him on our group chat, i tried to initiate a talk to the group though there were only three people online including me and him. and i dont know what got into him that the he decided to reply and finally our other batchmate logged off and suddenly it was me and him and some awkward friendly talk in our group chat which everybody else could read the convo in the morning. not that im guilty of something. but still. you know how i overthink and complicate things. and then the conversation was left hanging and he went off the chatroom first before i could even make my move of ditching him and im so pissed i dont know why.

right. i know. im trying to rub on his face that i could be able to handle things in a very decent manner; that i could just leave with the hanging convo and not say goodnight and not bother. like he doesnt have this effect on me. anymore. and at the first place. but he does. and its annoys me. a lot. and i cant just tell him everything.

i dont even know why im holding out in the first place. oh wait, i do. i dont wanna start a fight with some friends just because she thinks she owns him or she owned him or she probably will own him but you see, im trying not to care. that's there business. which has become quite a business for me too urgh.

i feel like a moth attracted to a bulb that if i would come near id burn myself and that if i dont i wouldnt be able to enjoy its light. and what's more is that im not the only one trying to fly around it. now the analogy is lame. and my situation is complicated. id talk about the progress of this soon.


-geianne