current state

if a few days ago i felt like i was hardcore, now i feel as helpless as a piece of crap lying on the ground. as high as i felt when i wander the big city late at night with no adult supervision, now i feel as low with my butt sinking on my bed, all alone, in my little room with the need of somebody to comfort me. as much as i hate to admit that, i had to. i know we people just cant stand us being all alone; as much as we try to struggle, we always welcome a warm company though we try to push them away. the complicacy of the human mind. yes. and right now, i think i dont even understand myself. you know those really emotional passages in novels or books where the anonymous writers feel like an icecube, doing nothing while melting slowly and slowly and he feels so useless and that he cant do anything about it? yep, like that.

but im not giving up.

i had this new friend whom have been secretly fighting off leukemia, which is now on its first stage, and when she told me about it, in the depths of my mind, i saluted her. there's no day ive seen her mad and angry and combusting. even though there were times where she curses a lot. but she never let the troubles get past her defence. that even though i know we all have our secret worries and fears and in her case it must be really difficult, i always see her smile and joke and laugh and now suddenly i think, if this girl could just shrug it off, then why do an illness-free me just cant smile my anxieties away?

but then again, we all have different cases, different situation of how life decides to beat us up. but i am beyond thankful that somehow, this is nothing compared to what other people are experiencing. that they wanted time and im here sitting and just wasting it. that even though i appreciate lil things, i still need to appreciate it more.

is my problem even going to find the answers that its seeking? i think thats not the real deal cause somehow i know all problems have solutions. its just that we dunno how much of us is going to be eaten up by those monstrous difficulties and how strong we are not to let it get into the core of our emotions.

but i have my friends, i have my family, i have God. i somehow trust in myself though its somewhat deflating, but i have it. i'll get it through. i just need to tell myself that everything's going to be okay. its what i always do.


-geianne (checking my grammar amidst the drama)