feels like it

its sunday.
and i went to church all grumpy with my family.
how did this happen?

well its because i went to bed 3:30am and fell asleep 30 minutes later. three hours of sleep isnt really in my good mood vocab. so yea, as one usual angry person would've expected, here comes the domino effect: i get mad with everybody else, screw myself up, and give all damn in silent treatment.

PLUS,

its not like its the real deal reason for everything, really. there's still something. (yes, we're talking about family stuffs)

alright, feel free to hear my thoughts.

respect - do you know how it feels like when your family backstabs you with voices all high and you can totally hear everything from the sighs to the worse compliments that even your haters cant tell you? yes, they do that. they bug me like crap, and man, i tell you its not about the word "discipline" and "making me realize shit" but about "how im much of a dumb brat & as a lousy freak" and "daughter/niece/granddaughter with all the bad things sucked in my whole personality". i bet normal families dont do that. or do they? i dont know. but one thing's for sure. that is just so freaking wrong. another thing regarding with this topic? when they all go blabby on you exaggerating each and every word as if hell broke loose the day i was born. they tell me i dont give them respect, and inside my head i just go like "really? really? look who's talking." yea, i might say that out loud but i do have respect (but im just waiting for my bars to be emptied).. aaaand yes, ive been doing the shouting back thingy before, and voila! still same cycle of bull. im tired of speaking my thoughts knowing that i cant be heard. you know what i do? grab my "poker face" mask and ride with the flow of steady silence with all these stupid rambles inside my brain.

privacy - those people who talk about your underwear and probably take pictures of you whenever you're asleep and drooling, you call them family? seriously?

charade - oh puhlease. im not going to be that plastic bag drifting along a hurricane. if i wanna stand still, i will stand still. i have my choices. and they what? control me? control me cause people might think im rebel, snob, and everything else in between? what the? im not that kind of stupid if you ask me. playing protagonist in front of other people while sneaking a criticism afterwards? yo, its not about tolerating likes and dislikes. been there, done that. i know what's IT, and i know that its not IT. practically, i guess they've taught me really well about life and values when i was still this lil beanie, and yep, applause applause, they did! they've taught me oh so well that i could spot and move against their wrong acts. or maybe, im just this real terrible person without some manners and has personality issues. good to know i came from the same roots!

you see, i have lots to tell you, but some things are kind of private (for now), but maybe, i'll have the courage to type it next time.

P.S. everything i wrote above is exactly how i feel. and when we went to the church earlier, i didnt sit with my family. i just cant. i cant lie infront of God and pretend im all jolly. actually, im ashamed of myself knowing He knows everything; the hatred, the confusion, the questions and all.. and now i know, all i need is for Him to forgive and enlighten me despite all these.

I know He was listening when we talked earlier. He knows what it feels like, too.





sincerely,
me